For the second time in a month, Master has gone to Chicago on a Friday night.  The first time was to meet a Dom with whom he began corresponding on myspace.  This past Friday he also went down to meet him, supposedly to go to dinner but they also went to a fetish fashion show.   I didn’t know where they were going or what was up for their night but for some reason, I did NOT deal well this time.  My fear and jealousies run so deep, they are part of my being.  This Friday night I was, quite simply, a mess.  I’m not sure why this time his being there ate at me the way it did. 

He is what he is..an attractive, charismatic and intelligent Dominant with an insatiable need for attention fro others – mostly women, of course.  I know all of this.  I have ALWAYS known all of this.  

I am his other half, truly, but for all our ‘sames’, we are obviously quite different – me, a slave and he, a dominant.  Although I am an unbelievably social person, I do not like nor do I trust the “fetish scene”.   Although I can feel quite at home at a bar or club, fetish clubs make me nervous and often make me feel incredibly inadequate.   For one, I am 41 years old.  The people in that scene that we socialize with, he more than I, are much much younger; averaging perhaps 26.  Gorgeous girls; gorgeous clothes…and they live to play.  That is intoxicating to him.  He promises me over and over that he will never have sex with another and that his “play” with them is not sexual, but what he does not understand is that it most often just leaves me experiencing old, old feelings. Feelings I had when younger – and it turns into a sort of reel that keeps playing over and over in my head on weekends such as this – “you’re not good enough.  you’re not pretty enough. ”   

All I see is that he wants more; more attention, more girls, more adoration.  I am the exact opposite, and it is so frustrating.  I do not mind some attention, but I don’t look for it and I definitely do not seek it anywhere – not even online, which he so very much loves.  Trying to explain this to him, as I have many times, is pretty much impossible.  

One of his text messages to me while in Chicago was that he does not want me “constantly living in fear”. This was in response to my telling him, “I’m learning…”   What he does not see is that I do constantly live that way.  I don’t think it’s just me – I think it’s an inherent sub/slave trait – that they will lose their Master to someone else.  

What I wish for so very much is that we knew another couple like us – not fetishy people who aren’t really lifestyle at all but truly Master/slave couples who live a life like ours.   I read many blogs of slaves but I haven’t found any couple that is like us.  Most that I have found are in rural areas, not too social, or so broke that they are unable to go out much.  I shared this wish with my best friend, who is vanilla but well aware of our lifestyle (as are all of our friends) and she looked momentarily hurt, asking if the great circle of friends we have isn’t good enough.  It’s not that at all.  We are unbelievably fortunate to have the friends we do.  Those people, our “core” friends, I truly believe will be with us for many many years.  I just desperately want to meet another me…and I’d like Master to meet someone who is a true Master (of which there are very few anyway) who doesn’t live to play the games and just play and pretend with toys at clubs.   Because of the people he has met lately, I feel a bit separate from him.  

When he arrived home yesterday, I was absolutely exhausted. Combine that with worry, many hours alone, and a couple of drinks, and a fairly defensive girl emerges and says things she wished she hadn’t – like that I don’t trust any of those people, that I do not want to meet this Master Thomas he met, or his two girls, or any more of those people, how I hate that whole scene, and on and on and on.  Master almost walked out of the restaurant we were at but I calmed him down, apologized, and tried to explain my thoughts more.   In some ways, I’m still glad I said what I did.  I think he knows most of it anyway, but the way I said everything was with quite a bit of venom…..not very good slave behavior at all. 

Today is Mother’s Day, and Master went to meet his mother and his brother for breakfast this morning. I told him to go ahead, tell his mom that we’d have lunch (just the two of us) in the next couple of weeks, and that I’d stop by to see my parents.  

Master was quiet this morning; He knows where my thoughts are, and he allowed me to do my own thing. After he left,  I called my parents only to learn that they wouldn’t really be available til 2 or so.  In the quiet mood I was (am) in, I knew that one of the best and most therapeutic things I could do would be to take a long drive.   I have done this as a sort of healing and/or thinking activity for probably twenty years.  I love gorgeous and quick cars; I love driving fast; I love being alone and listening to whatever I want….for about two or three hours.  

So….I lied to my mom and dad. I called, left them a message saying that I had gotten called into the office and asked if we could instead do dinner tomorrow night.  That done, I filled the tank, bought a large chai, and started driving.    Not surprisingly, Master texted me perhaps an hour later with his usual; “doing?”  I told him I was taking a drive.  He said that was ok and to let him know when I arrived at our usual spot.  

I am here now, but not yet ready to message him.  Just wanted some time to write, which I know very well he wishes me to do more of anyway.  After driving for over two hours, it takes me awhile to sort of snap out of that mode anyway.  

Perhaps part of my subdued mood this weekend is because the wedding is coming up so quickly now.  I am getting nervous!   I’m a very typical Cancer – I think too freakin’ much!  I am hoping that after this weekend, my mood will life.  I’m sure it will.  

Rules…it is easy if one is a cyber slave to have “rules” put in place by one’s Dom/Master.  When it comes to living 24/7 in this lifestyle, things become murky.  Truly, I do not really have any rules, other than protocol I follow instinctively because I know Him so well.  

We had a bit of a “discussion” – not so much a fight – last night.  The fact that I had been drinking certainly didn’t help matters.  It is only when I do that that my tongue becomes far too loose.  But I keep thinking that if I knew / was told my boundaries more implicitly, I wouldn’t have these problems.  

As it is, there are many times where I’d like to toss His computer off of our 8th floor balcony!  I know He talks to others, and that wouldn’t be too bad except that He doesn’t tell me about it.  Because we had some issues in the past, and we all have baggage at this age, it is difficult for me to trust.  That He is the most desirable man I have ever met – both physically and mentally – makes it all the more difficult.  I have never feared losing someone so much.  Though I have always been submissive, loving Him as much as I do makes the level of my submission that much deeper and I strive for perfection even more than I always have.  

I am rambling here…almost time for brunch and Sunday Funday…

How does one respectfully ask ones Owner for protocol without it seeming like topping from the bottom?

Sure, like many others, I’ve thought about doing so.  I used to write; I used to write constantly.  You could say I lived in my journals, bound notebooks, for years.   Those journals kept me relatively sane for many years – they took me through relationships, a disastrous marriage, beginning the “lifestyle”, and eventually finding my Master / best friend / future husband.  I stopped writing about a year and a half ago.  Finally truly happy, I didn’t feel I “needed” it any longer.

That need, however, has been slowly, yet insistently, creeping back.  

 Master left to work for awhile this morning, and I decided that today is the day to begin.  Time alone, a glass of wine in my favorite watering hole, my Ipod, and my Vaio. 

 Who am I?  I am a 41 year old (eek…41) woman living in Southeastern Wisconsin.  I live with my Master in a beautiful condo overloking Lake Michigan.   I try to remember each day how lucky we are; a beautiful home, a strong and intensely happy relationship, numerous wonderful friends, well-paying jobs that we usually enjoy, and two old felines to share our lives with. 

Master informed me this morning that he finally found an acceptable collar for me.  He ordered it as I slept in this morning, and I cannot wait to feel him put it around my neck.  That collar will be every bit as important to me as my engagement ring….the meaning just as deep.  I have never loved anyone in my life as I love Him.

So welcome to my world; my small yet incredibly full life.